January 14, 2012

• Integrating

  I find myself still searching for who I am, what it is I want to be, and constantly undecided on which path I want to take.

  I've been preparing for an interview I have on Monday for an engineering position with the power company in SoCal, so far things have been looking very promising up till this point and I am on the last leg of finally getting my first real job relating to my profession. The ball is now on my side of the court and all that is left for me is to not screw up my opportunity; all that's left now is for me to nail the interview and the job is mine.

  There are still times I look back at my life, look at where I am now, look towards the future, and then look at a mirror and ask myself: Is this what I want? 

  There are various goals I had in my life growing up, such as producing music, art, or a book, none of which I would say I had the courage to just throw everything I had built aside and more or less 'Follow my dreams'. There lies my main conflict, do I want to pursue a life of passion or security? I honestly have no clue, but currently I am on the route for the latter it seems. If I do get this job, I can tell you with near certainty where I will be in 3-5 years, if not dead. I am not sure how I feel about this as on one side, I get the impression that I have a better sense of control over my life, but on the other, I feel a lack of freedom. 

  Life is just too damn short to not be doing something which you find meaningful or enjoyable with it, you have one shot so you might as well go big or go home. Right now, I'm compromising. I am doing something I don't necessarily have the passion for in order to build myself up, to gain the capital necessary to pursue my goals in the future. I see a lot of people with great ideas but no way to implement them, they lack the money, the connections, and the drive to just throw themselves into the giant mess called life, to step out of the box which they know as their world, and really just bite down hard to get their share of what it is they want out of it all.

  As Oscar Wilde put it best, "I have the simplest tastes, I am always satisfied with the best."

  However, you can't be at two places at the same time, so thus, there is only one path you can take, so it is important to understand where you are headed in life so that you don't end up bitterly disappointed by the direction you chose, because there is no rewind, no restart, nothing really that allows an individual to go back and fix mistakes, all you can really do is just look back and learn from them. 

  Wherever you go, go with confidence, move with determination and focus in the direction you are headed because if you are indecisive, you will be plagued with self-doubt ultimately accomplishing very little, shorting yourself of great opportunities and accomplishments that could have been.

  There are many times I am presented with many options on what to do and some of those times, I fail to make a decision, ultimately letting the opportunity pass me by. These times leave me frustrated with myself at not having made up my mind and allowing these chances to expire, like a man presented with many appetizing dishes, unable to decide which he wants to eat and in the end having all plates spoil as he stares longingly at each one, resulting in the man starving to death. 

  Many times I make the wrong decision... A decision which I regret, and looking back brings a variation of emotions forward such as regret, embarrassment, anger, and disappointment, but from each of these mistakes is something learned, a little progress made. Sometimes you'll pick the wrong dish, end up eating something you hate, but the worst tasting dishes are some of the most memorable, and they stay with you for life, give you something to reference so that you can better appreciate the good, and provide valuable experience so that you are able to not repeat your bad choice in the future versus skipping the meal.

  Regardless of whether what I'm doing now is right for me, I take solace in the fact that I am doing something versus doing nothing and hoping that by doing nothing, things get done.  

  • 9:57 am
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