Hey all, I'm currently in Florida getting training for work. I am a pretty terrible employee. I am meeting a lot of my co-workers for the first time but my insomnia is resulting in me sleeping through the majority of my training sessions during the day and annoying the trainer who continually bags on me to the joy of my other peers. 

In less than 72 hours I have become the 'go-to' guy so to say in terms of comic relief when the class material becomes a little too dry. The trainer will lick her chapped lips then say aloud, 'Ben, you think you can pay attention this time around? Maybe you should get a little bit more sleep.' 

I am going to drink a little bit tonight to hopefully cause myself to nod off a little early then I will be wide awake and redeem myself. 

On the flip side, I don't give a flying fuck what my co-workers think of me and I could really give less of a shit if I get fired.... However the trouble of having to find another job on the same if not higher level than the one I currently have would certainly be... troublesome.... So perhaps I should start behaving... You know, stand out less, blend in more... That's how you survive in a corporate environment... Especially since word is traveling around that there are going to be layoffs sometime within the next couple of months (However, I am also not worried about those either considering the fact that I was just hired on for a massively endowed project as far as budget is concerned).

Sometimes I see the way I interact nowadays compared to how I used to behave and I feel very sad, then I feel mad, then I just feel like I don't feel anything anymore because all these feelings that I feel get in the way of making money; generally speaking, you get the money making out of the way first so you can leisurely spend the remainder of your life plagued with remorse and self-loathing about the decisions you made in life and not have to worry about paying the bills. 

Here is a comic to lift up your spirits:

Tis one of the most fascinating things. I imagine the life I would live would be very similar to the movie Pleasantville.

3 blue eyes white dragons? 

Please ladies, contain your orgasms. 

I got home today exhausted and just crashed in the middle of the day which resulted in a great rest, but an existential crisis generally follows soon after that because I now have a clear enough head to stop and think about my life. 

Waking up, I began to wonder if my life is where I want it to be because I'm not miserable or if I've just managed to reach a point where I am so fucking numb to everything and so god damn fucking tired everyday from working that I just stopped giving a shit because there are moments of doubt, rare moments that are slowly becoming more rare as time goes by where I am hit with a certain.... shall we say... clarity which is a mixture of both nostalgia and god knows what else...

I don't remember any specific moment in the past or any tangibles, but instead I get a flashback to a feeling. A feeling that I felt frequently when I was young but hardly get anymore. I cannot describe this feeling in words, but it is essentially that sort of emotion I had when I would entertain my thoughts for the future, such as what I wanted to achieve, the places I wanted to go, and various other tales which my mind would deliberate over when I was still young and I suppose you could say full of optimism and hope (though optimism and hope is easily interchangeable with naivety).

But still, I cannot necessarily say that this feeling is a 'bad' feeling, because I know when I was younger I was much more inclined to believing in miracles, magic, and limitless possibilities and this feeling is I suppose you could say the quintessential, unprocessed feeling of youth in itself, the feeling of feeling young.

Then another theory I have, this crazy wild theory makes me believe that maybe it's not just that I'm growing older that I no longer feel the way that I used to, but because I am slowly becoming more jaded and accepting of my unmiraculous lifestyle, when in reality it is all within my power to do with my life what I want, I'm just not trying hard enough simply because I believe that trying gets you nowhere in life anyway, it's all dependent on many factors outside of your control, but my younger self was unwilling to accept that as truth. 

I sometimes browse my news page on facebook and I see all of my friends interacting in the way that I used to interact, and I see many of my old high school friends still hanging out and talking to each other, it then makes me wonder if I am missing out on something by not spending time and attempting to reconnect with old friends, or if it is just best to move on and remember things for what they were instead of trying to rekindle flames from ashes only to be left bitterly disappointed. Everytime I interact with a lot of people my age, it just feels like people aren't being honest, people are hiding something whether it be about what they think of me, or what they think of themselves. I'm honestly never sure, and I am too busy with too many other things going on in my life to really spend the time pondering anymore so unfortunately, I then move on and do those other things. I end up occupying myself with tasks and objects instead of people which some might argue is some sort of banal and sad existence though to me, it falls more along the lines of productive and peacefully serene (though we all know that nobody can live in society without having to interact with people so thus, I do end up living my life with some stress, just very little).

Speaking of which, I was just reminded of something I need to get done ASAP so after I am done with this post I need to GTFO and get back to things. 

Truth be told, sometimes I miss my family. It's been many years since I really spoke or spent any significant amount of time with any of them even though I think it's those times that I miss them where I suspect I fail at remembering just how much we did not get along when I was younger. Even today, I'm hit with flashbacks, not necessarily feelings so much as moments now, moments captured in my mind like a photograph, telling a thousand words (though those thousand words might give a different impression than the tale entirety of the actual tale they are written in); reminiscing to that day of the photo just floods my mind with memories of the past, happy memories that shine warmer and brighter than all of the unhappy ones which make it easy to forget about them as a campfire makes it easy for a person lost in the woods during winter to forget that they are still in freezing and starving to death, though the reality for everyone is that the bright memories are outnumbered by the dark, cold ones just as there is less sun than space in the universe, it all comes down to a matter of where a person focuses their sites which then determine whether or not they are happy: Bright Sun or Dark space? 

At that point it is when I have to painfully remind myself that I can't get along with certain people as much as I want to because expectations are just too different. God damn expectations, they create so much strife in life, but without expectations, there would be no hope, there would be no excitement, there would be nothing really, so then what is better? Good and bad, or nothing?

Which point am I fighting away these feelings and memories to bat away my notorious cynicism which makes me want to drop everything I have worked for to give into my youthful, naive desires to go run off to a different country to live versus just deluding myself that this is all something that I want and life will never be perfect so I should just settle for what I have? 

The grass is always greener on the other side is what people want to tell you, but having been on the other side, I can say that it is not. The grass is actually magenta on one side, turquoise on another, as well as aquamarine on the one after that, and so fourth and so on. It's just not a fair comparison to make, what you find in one place that makes it 'better' than where you were before concurrently makes it 'worse' for other people. 

So in that case, how do I then remove this taste from my mouth? This feeling that I'm really missing something, that I'm doing something wrong? How do I erase it when I'm not even sure what it is that I'm missing or what it is that I'm doing wrong? Nothing short of being too exhausted to feel anything seems to be the solution as many who are in my position will tell you, 'Feelings are irrational and dumb anyway, who needs em?' 

And sometimes I have to say I agree. 

But other times, who knows? 

Nonsensical rant over.

to completely automating 90% of my job so now I just sit back and have scripts run all day while circuits get modeled, tested, then sent out to production.

Let epic ass-sitting commence.

Now I'll just spend all day rotting away in a chair while I ponder if this is all my life is worth: To live comfortably but not luxuriously quietly passing through life barely leaving any prints till my death at which point I will quickly be forgotten and buried beneath the sands of time, never to be seen or heard from again.

Though when we think about it, in the long run of billions to trillions of years or till the end of time, all things will eventually be buried for all life must eventually end, so if at the end of time, nothing will even alive or around to remember even the greatest legacy of the greatest man, what's the point anyway? Might as well just be happy.

Also, guys I have some news that will rock your world and challenge your understanding of life as you know it:

UNIQLO has finally opened an online store that ships to the US.

http://www.uniqlo.com/us/

Let the epic jizzing also commence.

They weren't stocking snowboarding gear yet, so instead of turning back out into the blistering heat, I aimlessly wandered about the store for a couple of minutes picking up and putting back down all of the products with my dirty fingers and trying on the junior baseball/football helmets, then closing my eyes and imagining how life would have been like if I had been talented enough to be in the MLB/NFL, respectively... Until the staff began giving me funny looks at which point, I decided to take my leave.

However, upon stepping outside, I decided I was hungry and wanted a fast snack, so I turned back in. The airheaded cashier, who greeted me with a 'Hello, welcome to Big 5 ' when I first walked in, saw me walk in again and said for the second time, 'Hello, welcome to Big 5 ' 

This time, it was me that gave the funny look.

After loitering around the cash register for a quick minute, I finally decided to buy the peanut butter snickers which I had yet to try. 

I went up to the register and dropped my candy bar on the counter top, waiting for service, however the cashier was too busy staring at the door waiting for another person to walk in so she could ejaculate her robotic greeting to notice that I needed her help in making a purchase. Eventually, the manager of the store walked by and gave her simple employee a disgusted look before signaling me over to walk over to where she was to buy my candy. UGH. SO MUCH WORK FOR FUCKING CANDY.

After making transaction of me handing over the lady-person my munnies, she said 'Have a nice day ' at which point, I replied 'Thank you!', only problem being that between the point of me handing her the money and receiving my change, I had already opened the candy wrapper and shoved half of it into my mouth so the only sound that I was able to actually emit was an inaudible gargling sound that was reminiscent of a porn star trying to fit the entirety of an unrealistically oversized member into the back of her throat. 

Halfway through, I was undecided on whether I should pull out the candy bar that I had already pushed into my mouth to repeat what I said to make it clear that I wasn't being a jackass, or to just turn up the swagger and walk out of the store like I did nothing wrong, but too late, I already took far too long thinking about what to do that the candy bar got stuck in my throat so I choked hard on it. So hard that I almost fired it out of my mouth like a dart, straight for the manager's face, however my cat-like reflexes kicked in just in time for me to instead point my face downward, nearly clipping my head on the edge of the counter, causing me to walk out of the store avoiding the looks that all of the other customers and employees were giving me. 

But my god, once I finally did successfully take a bite out of that peanut butter snickers... I was touched. It was literally what I had been waiting for my entire life, I knew then that everything I had gone through in the past, all of the pain I had endured, and all of the challenges I had found the courage to face and overcome, had all been for that moment in time ...

It was like that candy bar was everything I had ever wanted my father to be because he wasn't; black on the outside, white on the inside, and made with real nuts. 

Finally, I could feel alive again. Finally, I FEEL alive again. 

I actually miss the hairy armpit for a city I lived in while I was in college. Or maybe I just miss college. Or maybe I just miss the past in general. 

Or maybe not, it's probably just a desire to relive specific moments over again.

The last pill drops down the hatch despite the warnings and the temperature begins to rise, setting off alarms as it reaches critical levels.

The egg begins to sizzle, changing color and texture until it reaches the point that it is fully fried and cooked, ready to be eaten,

But the fire doesn't stop, it just keeps getting bigger, stronger.

It continues to burn and the once living object now turned food soon smells of burnt carbon and smoke as it begins to expire to the flames.

Now only smoldering ashes are left, leaving no signs of anything alive or anything that was once living, like a forest burned to the ground by an unattended camp fire, the desolated ruins causing Smokey the bear to shed a sad bear-tear from his soft, fuzzy cheek, uncharacteristic of nature's most fearsome predator, as he looks down at the inferno destruction from atop a cliff, contemplating the devastating scene that could have been easily avoided had the foolish human only listened, taken some initiative, maybe just put in a little bit of effort, to prevent forest fires.

Red bull vodkas or vodka red bulls does it take to make an ass of yourself and how many more does it take until you stop giving a rats ass ????

7.

The answer is 7.

I have morals damn you! Snow White ain't got nothing on me.

Instead of making the tongue-sticking-out face with the letter p I took emoticons to the next level. Inspired by the reverse smiley and horror face I now introduce to you all my contribution to human society and how I wish to be remembered: ironstove, degenerate extraordinaire, creator of the reverse tongue sticking out face q:

Brilliant.

q;