I grew up in a poor area in a poor city and I was a wannabe asian gangsta only as a means of fitting in and surviving. I even had this cool name, it was all gangsta and shit, like sent chills down your fucking spine and made you shit the breakfast you had earlier in the day upon hearing it.

However, since you had consumed the breakfast earlier in the day, the food wouldn't be fully processed so you'd actually end up spraying brown watery diarrhea out of your asshole with a few small chunks of cereal still distinguishable versus the normal solid human waste that you'd expect in a healthy individual, not to say that you'd be in poor health, because you could be in perfectly fine health, the only problem is that this name was that fucking terrifying... SO terrifying infact that they gave my name a name, they called it 'shit-maker' and just like Voldemort (For those that have read harry potter), his name was an alias that he picked up, but people gave an alias to his alias (He who must not be named).

 

So thus, on the streets, I eventually just became known as shit-maker, and boy were people fucking scared when they heard that shit-maker was in town, or shit-maker was in the same wood shop class as them, or shit-maker was pissed off because they were out of chocolate milk at lunch. Fuckkkkk, those were the good days... The glory days... but they are long gone.... 

 

Swigging on some vodka now outta my handle...  just poured a swig on the floor for the homies that couldn't be here today because they're 6 feet under... Sometimes you just feel like the wrong person died you know, maybe they should be here today... Fuck, who knows what woulda happened if dick-smasher hadn't taken that bullet for shit-maker, the entire constructs of the universe and everything constructing it would have changed entirely and then ..... No,,, I just don't even want to think about it....

Fuck, now I have to clean this rug. 

 

 

I wasn't kidding around...

 

I have been able to calm my mind after writing down my thoughts and looking back at them to see where they were taking me. What I have realized from all of this is:

People, some people that is, truly care about me in some way or another and even if they don't, even if it's just a temporary illusion destined to disappear at some point in the future, I should at the very least enjoy it while it lasts for all things in life, including life itself, eventually comes to a tragically beautiful end.

Feeding my mind with paranoia is not conducive towards my well being. Constantly overthinking actions made by others and attempting to read into their subconscious (something which I do poorly at best with regards to my own subconscious) is a very stupid thing to attempt to do and will only cause me to tire myself out running in mental circles, ultimately getting nowhere and making no progress whatsoever.

Regardless of how a situation is, my thinking about it will not assist nor change it. Ultimately the only thing which impacts life directly is direct action. If I am worried about something, then I should do something about it, not ask about it, not think about it, not consult other people for their opinions, but simply be strong and DO something about it. That is how one makes progress and gets results.

Attempting to think about my opponents future move and their motive is quite the waste of time, just as in chess, while the previous move certainly does have an impact, the current state of the board is actually more important as it determines what the possible outcomes are for both sides of the field. By analyzing the current state of the game, regardless of what action your opponent took or will take, there is always a best move for YOU on the board which is not impacted by the other side, that is, a place for you to move a piece which gives you both a present positional advantage and weighted future advantage which will allow you more room for flexibility and adaptation for dynamic changes (i.e. your opponent) versus attempting to meticulously plan everything out only to find that the only thing that went according to plan was your first move then everything afterwards went in a completely different direction thus invalidating all of the time you used to build your strategy making the entire thought process it took to produce said strategy completely and utterly useless.

Basically, the lesson I've learned (Well, I learned this before, but you forget sometimes!) is that you should focus on the present. Stay in the present and fuck the past. FUCK the past. It just clouds your thoughts and hinders your ability to see things clearly, to move clearly and find the best path for yourself. It truly is a liberating moment when you are able to calmly flush the thoughts which plague you out of your mind, and reapproach and reassess the situation with a mind as clear as the sky after a massive typhoon.

So thus in closing, I will post a quote here which I do not remind myself of enough in the hopes that I will remember it tomorrow and not allow my mistakes and missteps from the past get in the way of attempting to make the right move in the future... just because it didn't work and you got burned before, does NOT mean the same thing will happen if you try at it again (that type of logic is like saying there is one single strategy that you can repeat over and over to guarantee success... It simply does not exist, in a more abstract sense, the same ideology applies to failure, just because you attempted at something before and failed, does not guarantee failure if you try again). Nothing in life is consistent. Nothing in life is absolute.

"If you mess up or play the wrong note, fuck it! It’s done man, you can’t go back to that. The river keeps flowing. Stay in the present!"

 Hit play and continue downward

 

 

 

 

 

 

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'

Not to worry! My loyal readers have not been forgotten, here is an update to show signs of life.

So I am currently in the midst of moving locations again, trying to find an apartment decently close to work so I can move out of this shit-hole mansion. 

There are basically these baller looking houses in the area that have like 8 bedrooms and I ended up renting a room from one of them when I first moved back to socal, but upon living in the quarters for a certain period of time, I was able to deduce that these mansions are actually cardboard pieces of shit. The walls are as thin as paper, so I can hear everything that goes on in this house from the people in the living room poorly singing Chinese-Christian karaoke to the person upstairs flushing the toilet to send their tomahawk missile to the Pacific. That crap is maddening and disturbs my mind intensely as this barrage of noise pollution feels like my ears are being flecked with little pebbles of air-particle-shit.

My manager told me the other day that I might get shipped over to the Santa Ana/Irvine headquarters for my job sometime within the next year because the bulk of the project I'm working on is being done over there, so even after I find an apartment, I'm still going to have to move again, but I'm getting used to this whole 'Pack your shit up as soon as you've unpacked it' procedure that I've been doing over the past year. 

I've also been doing a lot of reading on the procedure necessary to become a lawyer, mainly the procedure for choosing and attending a law school and man... Let me tell you guys, the more I read, the less I want to become a harbinger of great justice for this country. 

There is apparently a huge disparity between the amount of people leaving law school and finding ultra successful jobs with mega firms and people leaving to work as some desk clerk for a junk firm getting paid wages which rival the minimum, yet all parties are paying the same amount of money to attend school and arguably obtain the same education... Though law schools themselves are sticking to their guns and saying that almost all of the students that pass through their hands find employment, the statistics which they present to support their arguments seems very skewed towards their favor.

Though I can't really blame them, I mean, if I was in the business of making money, the last thing I would be doing is to pay for advertisement that is counter-productive to my money-making endeavors though perhaps I'm just thinking too small scale, perhaps the new era of advertising in our modern age now involves making wild attempts to scare people away from your services and tell them why they should go elsewhere in the hopes that some sort of twisted reverse-psychology jedi-mind trick takes place on the negotiation tables of their mind that cause all of the consumers to flock towards your institution. 

Ben: Ok, so how much for these shoes?

New Age Seller: 100 dollars.

Ben in his mind: Hmm, well 100 is pretty pricey... But I really like the item... I guess in order to reduce the price, I'll lowball him hard so then he'll try to work up from there. Yea, that's what I'll do. 

Ben: Hmm, how about 60? 

NAS: Ehhh... I can't really do 60, what about 90 AND I'll include an extra pair of laces.

Ben: Forget the laces, how about 70?

NAS: No, how about 35 then??

Ben: No, 75.

NAS: 25. 

Ben: Wow, you're ridiculous, fine, 100 it is. 

NAS: Damn, you drive a hard bargain, but it's people like you that make my job interesting. It's a deal.

Ben in his mind: Fuck yea! Damn, I am just too good. 

*After walking out of the store*

Ben: Wait, what the fuck?!?!

 

I had a startling realization today while I was drinking some water to fight off this hangover...

While I don't ever tag my locations on facebook, this is done more for the reasons that I don't own a smartphone and still live in the stone age hence I'm technologically disadvantaged/handicapped when it comes to logging my every single move on the internet for all to see (Assuming that they care to see, because let's be honest here, you all love me and think about me all day everyday, I know it, you know it, and those of you that deny it, know you're just in denial because it's actually true).

Then this idea popped in my head which I thought was pretty amusing: What if the day I got a smartphone, I just went around driving to places to tag myself with my phone just to make everyone think I was living this life that was completely opposite of what it really was?

Like my friend invited me out today to eat at this expensive ass restaurant that serves a $20 hamburger that he wants to try out and I was like:

No Thanks

 

 

But it dawned on me that if I had a smartphone, I could just tag myself at that location like so:

Ben Cool is enjoying one expensive-ass, high-class burger at Comme Ca with Collan Awesome.
 Click to like

Alternatively, there would also be other status updates to make myself look extremely cool and high class like:

"Having a blast with all of my friends @ Disneyland"

"So happy to be spending a night out by myself to forget about stupid friend-drama. @ Disneyland"

"Who needs people when you have Mickey Mouse? @ Disneyland"

"Feeling pretty down, going to go pre-game then party it out, hopefully bring home some young bitches. @ Disneyland"

Anyway, just an idea. Everyone that knows you in real life would be like, 'Yea, this is total bullshit, we all know that, but what isn't?' while the strangers who you are 'friends' with on facebook would be like, 'omg this guy is the coolest person ever, I wish he would invite me out to party with him.' then you'd become a legend on the main feed as everyone likes your every status update because people follow along with utmost interest, fighting off their droll lives by vicariously living through you on facebook. 

Me, browsing through facebook with friend while grabbing some coffee.

Friend looks at my page.

"So why don't you have a cover?"

"Because... there is no photograph that could possibly encapsulate and properly demonstrate how fucking amazing I am to someone who visits my page."

"So you're so cool that nothing is the only thing that can properly represent who you are."

"Exactly."

"So you are nothing."

"Yes, because nothing will never be mainstream."

"Huh? Oh nevermind... I get it! No, but seriously, what the fuck is that retarded shit you just said?"

"Like a picture of an empty room, you ever think people are going to stand in line for hours to see that? Or brag about how they sat in a chair idly watching a ceiling fan for a couple of hours? No. Even a ceiling fan is too much. Shit, even the empty room is something... I'm talking about NOTHING here."

"Wow... That's really stupid."

"Or utterly, stupidly brilliant, that is, stupidity of such epic magnitude, that only a true genius could have come up with the idea..."

"Uh. No.... that shit is retarded with a capital X... but seriously, could you stop being such a hipster? It's not even cool anym- ."

"..."

"Well fuck......"

"Yep."

"You know what? You're right. Trying your hardest to not stand out is the best way for you to stand out. You're just so brilliantly contrarian and ahead of the game that you realize the only way to properly demonstrate to other people how smart you are is to do and say some of the dumbest shit they've ever seen and heard, respectively."

"Well, no, that's not-"

"The most retarded shit I've ever seen and heard...."

I spend my days now constantly feeling like I'm missing something, but I don't know what it is.

At the end of the day, I buy myself nice things and I still get this feeling like I don't really have what I want.

I wake up constantly in the middle of the night unable to go back to sleep, skip meals because I don't feel hungry, and look around to see this trash heap of a room I'm living in and wonder to myself at what point in time did my life actually start getting better and at what points did it remain exactly the same and/or get worse?

I've been having these ridiculously vivid dreams which make no sense to me which I will not get into because my retelling of Dr. Seuss's nightmare in and of itself would take a ridiculously large amount of time and is honestly more trouble than it is worth since it is just a bunch of random bullshit which even Freud wouldn't be able to make anything out of. He'd just tilt his head to the side with this perplexed look scratching his chin and go, "Well... I'm fucking stumped... Doesn't seem like you want to fuck your mother, doesn't seem like you want to fuck your dog, and doesn't seem like you want to fuck little children.... I really don't know what else there is... I mean, what else could I-Er... A person secretly want to fuck besides those things?"

Slightly unrelated, but does anyone else here feel that doing laundry is seriously the fucking bane of their existence? WHY HAVEN'T THEY CREATED ROBOTS TO DO THIS SHIT FOR ME YET? AND IF ROBOTS DON'T EXIST, WHY THE FUCK ISN'T SLAVERY LEGAL? That shit is as stupid as prohibition and yet we haven't repealed it. Free country my ASS. I am willing to bet a large sum of money that there is some poor soul out there barely managing in a third would country that would die for the chance to live in America as my slave being given food, clothing, and shelter at the price of eternal loyalty and servitude. I'M WILLING TO FUCKING BET. 

Ugh, god damn fucking society and it's backwards-ass irrational and illogical system of morality. God damn people don't even fucking know what's right and what's wrong but each and every single one of them think they're fucking saints/confucious or some equally retarded shit that makes them believe they are all high and mighty to compensate for the mediocre and mundane lives which they live full of unconscious denials about their inadequacies. 

I think I know what it is that's been bugging me, but I don't want to say yet because that would implicate that I've been living my life wrong for a few years by taking the path of obtaining an education and enslaving myself to corporate America. Let's just hope my hunch is incorrect.... The last thing I need right now is some 5th phase mid-life crisis nonsense going on in my life. Moar clothes. Moar foods. Moar philistine desires fulfilled. Moarrrrrr

 Edit:

I just noticed right now that today is Valentine's Day and I'd just like to meticulously take the time to point out that this rant has absolutely nothing and almost everything to do with it being Valentine's Day. No, but really, I didn't even realize it was V-Day today. What do I have planned though? Well, I sure am glad you guys asked, I'm probably going to sit in my chair starving to death for the next few hours then go get my well-matched business casual outfit out of my closet then iron it, go take a shower then put on aforementioned business casual outfit and then head out to my car and drive to work, but not before eating breakfast because I am seriously about to gnaw on this fucking table from how hungry I am right now. 

After work, I will proceed to head home, fighting my urge to steer my car towards the sidewalks clipping off high school couples bold enough to openly celebrate their love for each other out in the open, upon arriving home, I will drop my bag on the floor, sit my ass down in my chair, then go on facebook grumbling to myself as I go through all the positive and negative status updates about V-Day then remove from my friends list anyone who is in a relationship that fucking dares to try to empathize with the single people on this day with some poorly stylized saying such as 'Happy V-Day Guys! Even to the forever aloners out there! Lol!' 

After going through this Stalin-esque purge, I'm going to go outside and steal someone's cat then bring it inside my place and tape it to my lap so it cannot run away while I sit on my bed with my laptop and eat a box of chocolates and watch Forest Gump on repeat until I fall asleep. I will proceed to wake up the next morning, February 15th, with a massive sugar hangover and a dead, suffocated cat corpse stuck to my body which I will proceed to peel off of myself before I head out to work planning to tell everyone what a great and exciting valentine's day I had and how they should all be jealous and envious of my fucking amazing life. 

And that's it for my day.

I've created a breakdown of the stages I go through when drinking. Obviously, I level up to the next stage as I drink more, and yes, I refer to it as leveling up because I like alcohol and I don't know what the highest level you can reach is. I suppose death. 

 

0: Lalala, I am sober. I am bored. I am tired from my work week involving me pretending to smile, pretending to like people, pretending that I think their lives are interesting and pretending that I enjoy my work. Time to unwind and forget about that shit. Begin the pour!

1: Cheery, sociable, a bit witty. Overall, someone whose company you would not despise, perhaps even enjoy. 

2: A bit more talkative. 

3: Ok, starting to get a little annoying. Just a little. But also still less annoying than most other people. 

 

4: Nearing the line of 'giving a fuck', which once passed, there is no returning because not enough of a fuck can be given to bother with turning around.

5: And not a single fuck will be given for the rest of the night

6: I don't really feel what I'm drinking anymore, but I still retain enough cognitive thinking abilities to remember from past experiences that this means I should probably stop drinking, but what's that? Whoops! That's right! Previously from #5:

NOPE. Don't give a fuck.

7: At this point, I begin to both say and do embarrassing things. Atmosphere still relatively fun.

8: I'd say it's the same as 7, only the tomfoolery is of greater magnitude.

9: Like jesus turning water into wine, I've instantaneously transformed all of my silly acting into belligerent, drunken rage, surprising everyone in the room as they are still mid-laugh and think that I'm joking. Someone might get arrested or beat up or something tonight. 

10: Third party now begins to feel the need to intervene as I've single handedly turned the entire room quiet lashing out at strangers and people I've known for most of my life for the smallest reasons, others watch in fascination as the stove-train derails, like some hilarious, terrible accident that you can't look away from such as a truck full of hand soap tipping over on the freeway.

11: Third party has intervened. Multifaceted shouting match ensues involving people of all different backgrounds uniting for one cause while person(s) in the middle desperately attempts to mediate and extinguish the fiery situation.

12: Mean things are said. Very mean things. 

13: Things get foggy and I have trouble re-

Saturday morning. Can't find glasses. Head hurts. Hand hurts. Back to level 0. Must begin the arduous climb to the top again. It is a long journey there, and you don't get to enjoy the view for long as you eventually get brought back down, but I guess you could say I enjoy making the trip more than I enjoy reaching the destination, and if it's any consolation, I get a little bit further everytime. 

Go watch it, best movie of 2011.

A nice, hipster film you can sit down and appreciate. And that's it for spoilers.

So meta lol, you've gotta watch it while it is still in theaters or else you won't get as much out of it, it's just the effect of being in a near-empty room watching a film reflecting the same concept. 

 

Or maybe I'm just getting trolled.