July 13, 2013

• It is now 4 AM

  Only 4 more hours to go until I can leave this god forsaken airport which I have trapped myself in. All attempts to sleep have failed as the brightly lit, abandoned terminal is only allowing me to accomplish the slow, steady decline into madness as the insomnia overtakes the sanity.

  During the last 6 hours, I've had a lot of time to think, think about things in my life, how everything is going right in some areas and completely, disastrously wrong in others. While I sit here pondering, I begin to think to myself if I should abandon this great titanic of a fucking ship I've created to dive into the sea and attempt to save the passengers I sent out on the other titanic which is sinking into the bottom of the ocean.

  Despite my attempts to fight it, it seems that life is just as plain and simple as I feared it would be, as I denied it was in my youth. It seems people are dealt their cards early on in life, and despite the anomalies that exist in the world proving otherwise...

   

  NO.

   

  That's bullshit! I am pretty sure it is the exhaustion talking that is making me say these things, I am a believer in the individual, and the ability of the individual to accomplish great things relative to themselves. As long as you set your mind to it, never give up, and keep trying and getting a little further every time (Because if you don't make any progress despite your attempts, then maybe it just wasn't meant to be), then you will accomplish your goals. I shit on my haters, and especially my mind, my poor tired mind, who turns around and turns into this bitter, snarling beast who has been kept in a cage and poked and prodded incessantly with an infinitely long stick to keep said beast awake, driving it to madness, until finally it is reaches the breaking point, and it releases its frustrations on the only thing it can reach, itself. It grabs its own face and begins tearing it away, ripping off its own flesh, causing itself great distress, pain, and agony in the hopes that all of it, some of it, just a bit of it, but probably none of it will be passed on to its tormentors, when in reality the animal knows better, but it just wants to do something, anything, anything to fight back, to feel like its fighting back, to feel like something is changing because nothing is changing and this is terrible.

   

  It feels like time is standing still, like I'm just waiting for a plane that is never going to arrive, but I know it will arrive, and I know when I finally drive back home, I will be so happy to collapse on my bed and black out, so much to the point that I will forget to be angry at myself for having caused all of the distress in the first place, caused so much suffering for nothing because I fail at valuing time, I have no respect for it and because of that, I will always suffer at its wrath, I will always be the one caught off guard like today wishing that I hadn't been, wishing that I had done X instead of Y because that would have completely totally avoided this entire mess, wishing I had taken a single simple action to foil my own worst enemy and best friend from falling into his own trap that he unknowingly set for himself. 

   

  You can have the motivation, you can have the drive, you can have the talent, and you can have the resources, but if you don't respect time, then you're still missing a critical component in the equation for success. That is what I've realized today sitting here in this airport driving myself mad, thinking back to all of the times I've let myself down, let other people down, and let so many things fall apart to shit because I thought that I had room, had space, had time to deal with it. 

   

  Time is like money, tasks all have a budget, once you exceed that budget, you can no longer accomplish the task... Just like if you don't respect money, and don't understand how important it is to work hard for it, then you'll never make it, if you don't respect the time, the seconds, the minutes and hours, then you'll never capitalize on your life, your day, your years, and you'll find yourself looking at the mirror one day at that lone wrinkle that formed over the years which wasn't there before, the sign of time wasted, of death approaching, of the years that you wasted because you thought you had so many more, you just opened the window and let it all fly out. 

   

  I can't deal with this anymore, things need to change. This is the most fundamental concept that everyone learns growing up which I never bothered to, or maybe forgot about because things were too easy for me. I am getting old, too old to make such stupid, careless mistakes.

   

  Whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right.

  • 6:11 am
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