June 21, 2012

• on nordic beasts

  As I'm trying out hang cleans for the first time at the gym a ripped guy I see all the time walks up to me and says
  
  "Excuse me, sorry to bother bro but do you mind if I comment on your form?"
  
  I'm like yea sure go ahead so then the guy rips my asshole open by saying
  
  "Your form is all wrong, right now you're pulling with your upper body but that exercise is all in the hips and when you hit higher weights you won't be able to do what you're doing.... and besides you look fucking funny doing it that way... like a fucking clown bro."
  
  I smile and start laughing when he says that and thank him a lot for the advice. He's like 'yea no problem I just want to help out so you get it right' and then walks off.
  
  On the outside I am still laughing but inside I am crying ... waaaahhhh
  
  I run to the locker room and go to the showers sobbing and berating myself
  
  " god you're a fucking clown! You hear that you clown piece of shit ? Worthless! You're more pathetic than your poor father who used to sell your birthday gifts you got from your affluent relatives to fund his booze drinking because he had no job!"
  
  Old men showering in the locker room with me get uncomfortable as they see my mascara smeared all over my face bawling my soul out and quickly towel up and leave. Just kidding. About the towels.
  
  Yes. Then it is just me in the shower and the only sounds that is heard is the clatter which comes from the running water drumming on the tile floor mixed in with the broken clown sobs of failure.
  
  Afterwards, I sniffle my fake red nose and text my friend
  
  "Waaaa!!! someone gave me helpful advice at the gym and inadvertently hurt my feelings by telling me they only did so due to how much of a fool I looked. Console meeee. Give me attention! Tell me I'm pretty! Waaaa!!!"
  
  And my friend responds with
  
  "Hopefully it was a stranger"
  
  ....
  
  No. It wasn't.
  
  But that's what you are to me now you disgusting, ice-hearted yeti.... a stranger who clearly doesn't understand my pain...
  
  
  
  When have you ever felt betrayed by a yeti?

  • 6:18 pm
  • 1 Comment